Sooooooooo my husband walks into the bedroom tonight - I was braiding our 12 year olds hair into braids and then painting temporary Halloween hair color on them because tomorrow is crazy hair day at her school (so in the morning when she takes out the braids - Viola! crazy colored hair)
Anyway... Husband sits down and says, "I want another baby." Our daughter replies first and says, "Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh okay..... awkward." (LMAO)
We have three children. Since my daughter doesn't read this blog, I will go ahead and say my pregnancy with her was a surprise at age 20. Its not that we didnt want kids someday, we just weren't actively TRYING to get pregnant. We tried for 2 years to have our 2nd baby and I ended up going through 18 months of fertility treatments to get pregnant with him (injections, fertility meds, IUI) When N was 17 months old I got pregnant with our third baby. (We were actually trying for a third but that time I got pregnant the first month we tried.
I have PCOS which basically means my body ovulates whenever the heck it feels like it. I used to never have periods (Ah, the glorious years) Ever since my last baby was born however, they are totally regular. (Booooooo)
Back to my husband... after C's birth, we agreed that three was enough - especially since we are currently living in a very small three bedroom house.
Going from two kids to three was a shock. Having two boys two years apart... it was hard on me. I'm not one of those super moms that has a spotless house, a satisfied husband, happy kids and does it all with a smile on her face. (Although I know a few people like that and they really bug me - Seriously ladies, you are making us frazzled and overwhelmed mothers feel horrible about ourselves!)
I have spent the past 4.5 years being meticulous about birth control and under the assumption that I was not going to be having any more babies. Now I don't even know what I think. I'm bewildered because my husband stresses daily about work and the mortgage and retirement, etc. Never did I think he would want another one but now that he has asked... I'm all sorts of confused.
I asked him after our daughter went to bed why he wants another one... I know he is sad that our youngest is starting Kindergarten next year. He said he's not ready to let go of all the baby stuff that has passed and that he knows if we are ever going to have a fourth, NOW is when we have to have it. He said he also thinks it will be good for the grown kids to have an even wider net of support once we are gone (I'm going to die someday? WHA?) By the way, I am also sad and bummed that C is starting Kindergarten next year which is why we had been planning on getting a puppy once he starts school.
It's strange to me that my immediate reaction to the baby request wasn't to jump for joy and start picking baby names - Part of me does want to react that way but part of me feels like having another kid would be selfish of us somehow? Most people don't have four kids, why? Part of me has always thought four kids was a LOT of kids but I'm not sure why I think that. I guess what it comes down to is my fear that by having a fourth child, I will somehow deprive my children of even more attention from me and damage them. I also worry that having a fourth when I am already blessed with three amazing little people is on some strange plain, asking for trouble. (Have I mentioned that I worry a lot?)
Also running through my head was the FIFTY FIVE+ pounds I packed onto my 5'9" frame with my last pregnancy. Seriously, I am STILL trying to lose the last 15 pounds from that and it was four and a half years ago. Each pregnancy I gained more weight than the prior one. I actually might physically explode if I attempt to have another kid. What to do what to do... I guess what it comes down to is this: I love my kids more than anything. I love other people's kids (most of them anyway) Aside from worrying about the effect on my children, most of my other worries are all self-centered ones. Obviously I want what is best for my children... I just wish I could know what would be better for them.
I will close this mad scramble of thoughts with my daughter's response after her dad and I talked to her about what she thought about how another baby would affect her:
"I don't think it would affect me that much and if its what you want, I think you should go for it. (pause) Um, I know this is going to sound selfish and I don't mean it to but... can we still get a puppy?"
Awww I love that kid. (And I said yes of course)